Loosing Yourself

one. you close your eyes and drift to sleep. you imagine that the clouds are hurdles for jumping sheep. two. count the stars in the sky. I pretend that each star represents how many years that we will be together; three. open your eyes. how could you sleep at a time like this? the moon is glowing a happy smile. a smile almost as big as the one on your face when you think about her; four, you call her. when she answers you will talk for hours on end. that is the last phone call you two will ever have. five, everything you have ever come to love has been taken from you. she’s on the screen, news of this teen, “the shot was clean” but the blood pouring out of her wasn’t. six. you won’t believe it. you’ll flip to the other news channels just to make sure. you call her again but the rest was a blur the next thing you know you’re lying on the floor of the bathroom wondering what went wrong; six, you have a blade in your hand and the idea seemed grand but the wave of sadness crashed down on you and you couldn’t move. mental illness is a dangerous thing you see. they will appear happy and glee but that’s not all its cut out to be you see inside that girl is me and i can’t seem to breathe and I miss her. I miss her scent. I miss how her eyes were candles in a dark night. I miss how her smile was like the end of a storm. but as time goes by I still can’t seem to smile and my therapist says it’s been a while, that I’m not the same child that I used to be. I soon came to realize that it’s not her that I miss, but it’s me. 

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